This is Discipline

I come here each morning and write. Sometimes I think I’m on fire. Other times, as I’ve said before, I’m a dumpster fire. But this is a discipline, not a performance. So no matter what I think I have or don’t have, I come here and do one thing: write.

This will be my 26th blog entry in less than a month. This is more public writing than I’ve done in a very, very long time (aside from short blurbs on Instagram). This is certainly more intentional, regular writing than I’ve done for a while. So I’m doing well in terms of my past. But now I stand and look at my present and my future. Am I going to keep doing this? How many people are reading anyway? And how come I am not getting much engagement comment-wise? How will I know if people are appreciating these words? How will I know I’m striking a chord with more than just the small handful that let me know (thank you, by the way).

It’s a weird time to be a writer. It used to be that you would write, and whether people “engaged” with it, such as by liking it or commenting on it, was not a question. The value was in the process, and you simply hoped for an audience. You did not expect one. Now, I expect reactions, and without them, I question the validity of what I am doing. I end up with mornings like this, where I feel like it’s all a bit waste of time.

It’s certainly a distraction. I have been spending almost 2 hours in most sessions, once it’s all said and done. Sometimes even longer. I write, sometimes do a bit of side research, review, edit, and then think of the perfect title. Then, I have to make a quick little illustration. Then I hit publish. Then I share on all the various social media. Then I read what I wrote to make sure it made sense. Then I wonder why I’m not being shared and retweeted like crazy.

Delusional megalomania.

Anyway, today I come not to write as an expert. Today, I come to write as a writer who has his doubts. But I also come to write as someone who values routine and discipline. This is not a performance. It’s not a race. It’s not the final product.

This is a workout. It’s training. It’s a daily practice. It’s maintenance. It’s watering. Checking the soil. It’s nurturing. It’s caring. It’s showing up. It’s caring about what matters, and choosing to ignore what doesn’t.

Today, what matters most is doing what I say I am. I say I am a writer. So here’s me doing that. I also say I’m an illustrator. So, I’m going to do a bit of that now too.